February 19th, 2018.
That’s the last day I wrote a blog post
It makes me sad. It makes me angry. It makes me a little confused.
Where did my year go?
To say the least…2018 wasn’t my year. It was suppose to be, right? I had the cool product coming out. I was all fire ready to take 2018 by storm…and then I let the enemy get in my head and feed me lies.
“You aren’t good enough.”
“someone else deserves it more.”
“Why should anyone listen to you?”
“You don’t really have anything to say.”
“You aren’t as creative as you think you are.”
I spent 2018 paralyzed in fear of not being good enough. Of not being worthy.
It left me in a place of being creatively stagnant. I only created when someone else forced me to, but their was no joy in it.
Don’t believe me?
This is my “Top 9” for instagram for 2018:
See anything missing? Ya. Me too. Not a single creative thing (well…except for the cake I made for my daughter!)
Admitting I have a problem
All recovery programs start with a similar thought: You have to first admit that you have a problem.
My problem? Believing in myself only when their is visible evidence. Believing God’s promises only when there is physical evidence. Believing I’m on the right path only if all the bricks are in a row and I can see the dream taking shape.
If I don’t? I allow myself to live in fear, drowning in a flood of negative “what-ifs.”
If was a sad year. No nothing “traumatic” happened. I just felt…well lost. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.
It was a lonely year.
I’ve admitted I had a problem in 2018, so now I have a choice.
I can stay the same and be writing this same post again come January 2020.
I can daily make the choice to take captive of my thoughts that would lead me astray from the path that God has called to be my destiny.
Well…since 2018 wasn’t very much fun, I think I’ll choose option B.
After some prayer and reading, I finally chose my “One Little Word” for 2019 and it is a different form all my other ones. My previous words were action words like “release” or descriptive like “new.”
This year….it’s PATH.
Simply put I need to stay focused on my path and not be strayed to either side by Satan, outside influences or even myself.
The scripture I am focusing on this year is:
“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.”
Proverbs 4:25-26 NIV
I chose this verse because it contains clear instructions: look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you, give careful thought and be steadfast.”
Which lead me to ask “How? How do I know if this is part my path” “ What do I use to measure whether or Not I am on the right path?
I came up with 3 ideas: Hope to others, Color to a Dark World and Joy to Sad hearts.
Those are my measuring sticks for 2019. Each decision I make will be held up against those 3 criteria and if they are found lacking and I am still confused, then I believe whatever it is is not meant to be part of my path.
I know the concept of “One Little Word” sometimes gets a bad wrap as being cliche or even ungodly (yes…I have heard that), but it’s not a magic button that fixes all.
It’s a small token…a target if you will to keep yourself focused.
This year…I focus on my Path.
I hope you will take the journey with me.
Ps stay tuned later this week for my Bible Journaling page for my OLW.